drugs

I have since made the conclusion that when I take drugs, it means I'm sick. This association between drugs = sickness, is very new for me. And is very real.

Some might consider my life a bit of a dream. I spend most of my day at home, in bed, drinking tea, eating healthy, having warm baths if I want to and spend as much time as I want roaming the internet. For some, that is the perfect day. But for me this reality is far removed from wonderful.

I wake up everyday with excruciating/burning pain running a tree branch length down the side of my right leg. Every morning at 7 am I have to hobble to the freezer and then back to bed, with a frozen gel to ice my lumbar spine. Needless to say, it is a rude awaking and as cold as fuck. You see, I slipped a disc 3 weeks ago and now my schedule revolves around the healing rate of this protrusion.

My first time at the hospital they gave me a shot of morphine and gravel, and by the time I left, I was so stoned I could barely speak. The next time I went, I was given a prescription of equal amount to that previous morphine shot, only this time, I was to take the dosage every 4-6 hours to manage this new pain. At first it was impossible to function, but now I can do anything. Now the morphine hardly effects me. Oh, except that at least once a day I pass out from pure exhaustion and burn out.

Everyday I have to cut and combine several different highly addictive drugs, and then swallow them with water. Every morning at around 8:45am, I am full of cereal, tea and narcotics. What a fresh start.

I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about when I have smoked pot, which is a drug I have of course smoked. Not only does pot seem "dirty" to me now (I mean it does have a lot of junk in it and it's a carcinogenic, unless you eat it), it also makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. It makes me feel like I've got an illness or injury of some kind. Every time I'm high on pot, I wonder, "what's wrong with me?". "If there is nothing wrong with me, why am I doing this?" I have grown a big huge appreciate for a clear mind.

Being stoned day in, day out feels like a prison, even though, if I didn't take high doses, I would have no freedom whatsoever. Being stoned day in, day out sucks my creativity and my good mood. Being high for the last 3 weeks has certainly taken it's toll. And the relationship, in my mind, has been firmly established: drugs are for injuries, not for fun. I've been pushed past the realm of recreational intake and forced to ingest pills that force people into rehab. Ugh.