comfort food

I have noticed lately that I am developing a different and strange relationship with the food that I am eating. Since my illness (which has now officially come and gone… whew) and disc slip, food has morphed from tasty and healthy, to comfy and soothing. I find these days that I crave all kinds of foods containing sugars and fats (which is unusual for me), and when I feel upset I want to eat something. I’ve also noticed that while I am munching away on these items, the food has a calming effect on my psychology.

Now food and I have a long complicated history. Being a sensitive eater, with sensitive digestion, food has always been a challenge. In fact, a few times my relationship with food has been so extreme that eating was next to impossible. Food just made me sick. Yet I’ve always pulled through. Even though I lost a lot of weight during those turbulent times, I always persevered and eventually bounced back with a new appreciation of food as a fuel. And that has always been my feeling, food is essential to life. I have never considered it a real console, especially in the sense that I could eat my troubles away. I’ve never been an eater under stress.

So it’s puzzling to me, to have this new attraction and seeming need for food. I have heard, of course, the stories of people binging and/or starving, but in truth I have never been able to relate on a personal level… that is until lately. So here I am now, wanting cookies and ice cream, and then practically wolfing it down, as if I’ve been hungry for months. How puzzling and how strange to want food so desperately. Then afterwards I feel guilty. Again, guilt is not a feeling that I normally associate with food.

I honestly don’t know what to think of this at the moment. I have the feeling that once I can get up and do things, this food temptation will pass. Or at least that is my hope. Also I'm sure once I'm off all of my pain killers, that will change how I view the world. I don’t want to over-eat or eat just because I don’t feel good. That in itself doesn’t feel good. What to think, what to think?