I went to yoga today to try to do something good for myself. I have been so physically limited as of late, that anything involving movement hurts. But even sitting hurts. It is a no win situation really, but there I was anyway, showing up.
I hadn't been to this class for so long. I couldn't even walk up a flight of stairs a few weeks ago, so of course the idea of yoga did not appeal to me. Or to my heart. I wanted to go today though, because my heart was acting up again last night. I laid in bed, hot, and my heart pounded. I had a restless sleep and so I wanted to at least go to class, even if all I would do was lift my arms in the air.
First we sat in mediation and then we slowly put our legs out in front. I had to bend mine quite a lot, as my muscles are not as flexible these days and my right hip hurts like crazy. So I tried to sit there and then eventually, I supported myself with many props to get through the pose. From there, we went into other postures and with each one, parts of me opened, in very small, little ways. I was able to breathe naturally for the first time in a long time and I was able to do all of the postures, in some form or another.
I felt all the reasons "why" I practice yoga. I don't know if I can necessarily put it into words anymore, but I can feel the goodness that comes from it. I can feel where I begin from and the physical signs of distress and holding. Some people come from the belly, I come from the heart centre and my feet. I realize that I am also checking those two areas of my body and I can feel the tightness when all is not well, or rather, when I am not attending to myself.
My teacher told me to be clear about my intentions for the future, in a way that was not destructive to myself. She was right, in that, many of reasons that I have been expressing when leaving situations, have been hurtful to myself. Out loud I haven't ever been able to just say, "because it's time and it's more appropriate for me right now". I have always had to feel pain, blame pain and hurt and hurt, before I make transitions. I haven't had the courage to realize my strengths and abilities and chose to apply them elsewhere. I have always felt I am not good at certain things, etc, so I should leave. All little lies to make myself feel better about making positive choices for myself. Where is satya is all this?
My teacher told me she thinks thyroid has to do with voice and speaking up. It's true when I think of it, how much voice I have had lately. Although in some cases it has been rude and seemingly out of nowhere, it is still something I haven't used much in my life. Or rather, I haven't been saying what I have been needing to say. She told me to keep talking. And I have been talking more to others about issues that concern me. Like the time I told the Zazubean chocolate bar rep, that the term "monthly madness" on the back of their Luna(tic) bar offended me. I told them I didn't appreciate those big words being used to describe PMS and I even wrote her an email offering other suggestions. Or the time at Planet Organic after a lengthly, very telling discussion, I finally suggested that they change their policies, so that they could carry biodegradable garbage bags. I felt huffy when I left that conversation, but fuck, something had to be said.
My boyfriend told me last night that my right eyebrow lifts when I'm irritated and talking. He's worried that it will freeze in this position. Instead of sharing his concern, I told I couldn't be happier that my face was finally doing something besides looking frozen. I know he didn't mean anything by it, but I felt like he was trying to calm me down. Like when my supervisor told me it was a good thing that I don't laugh as much anymore. Or when certain people have told me I talk too much. Silent all these years," by Tori Amos makes a lot of sense to me now. When did I shut up? And why?
This tool, this gift. Voice and language. How do I reel in my power? She told me to keep talking and I think I will.
