Fuck it’s freezing in this room. Half the students didn’t bother taking their jackets off and I just put mine back on. It’s sunny outside though and thankfully many healthy plants line our window sill. At least our room gives the impression of being toasty and inviting. Of course the test is a big turn off. Thankfully, at least it’s not our first date and we’re not out formally eating sushi or slurping homemade udon or something like that. At least we have already met several times and so we already understand a few of our idiosyncrasies. Though, to keep things fresh, I like to keep an element of surprise. Hence, some of the questions on this test. Will they hate me for it? In lieu of flowers, I ask for a fat cash donation, to myself, instead.
Fuck I’m getting hungry. And I have to pee. I shouldn’t have drank that coffee and I probably shouldn’t be sitting here typing this story. I notice that some students naturally default their “thinking eyes” towards me and that when I notice this, they immediately look away, like I didn't see them. Where to look when writing a test? I always looked up or up and across. Sometimes I even closed my eyes. I hated writing tests, generally speaking. Most of the time my mind would end up feeling squeezed and log-jammed. “This can’t be healthy”, was my mantra, which in turn, was of course not healthy. Speaking of healthy, what does that mean anyway?
Epilepsy, thyroid nodules, and fibromyalgia, these are the known diseases/disorders that exist in this room. Unhappily of the 3, I have 2 of them. Epilepsy is not mine though, instead it’s behind the door I didn’t choose. I suppose after saying that, it might follow that I am implying that I chose the others. Not in a million years. My therapist stated once that she wanted to stab herself when she had thyroid issues. No shit. I have not only wanted to stab myself on numerous occasions, but as well I have wanted to stab other people. And while I’m on it, I’m sure people have wanted to stab me, over and over and over again. Especially I am sure that they wanted to gouge out the whining, snivelling, tantruming insanity that has been my best face for the last month or so. "I'm sleeping with my enemy... myself", as Courtney Love has said.
I think the swelling is going down though, because I don’t feel as whack-o as before. I can say with certain, that the ONLY GOOD THING about a thyroid nodule, is that it masks the symptoms of fibromyalgia. Hyperthyroidism has its own series of rules, its own deck and its own little collection of shitty joystick pawns. I usually choose to play pink and sit directly across from the bullshit. This strategy has proven strength and so I use it often, or rather my boyfriend uses it all the time. Right, I'm actually the SPAZ, all caps locked.
